Marketing is Hard!
Monday, January 6th, 2020
Today I woke up and drank eight quarts of fruit-punch Advocare Spark energy drink so that I could be jazzed and at the top of my game when I start to cold-call clients for voiceovers. Let’s do this. I’m as wired as an Olympic runner on steroids who’s about to be checked for steroids so they’re running away from the steroids testing booth because, let's review, they’re on steroids. I’m go go go! Let’s do this! It’s cold-calling time, baby.
As a voiceover artist, I’ve discovered that it behooves me to continue to reach out and find new clients, in the same way that if I don’t find food, I will in fact starve. And if I starve, I will in fact cease to exist. I prefer to exist, thank you. Were I able to actually eat and ingest my clients somehow, that may in fact be the ultimate payoff. But as I am not one to promote cannibalism, I’ve steered towards more conventional pursuits like handshakes and cordial greetings instead of consuming my contacts. And let me tell you: nothing beats a nice, heartwarming “Thank you for not eating me” Christmas card from a client. I have several.
So. I resolved for the new year to try something new and start cold-calling potential customers instead. After wearing my sandwich board on a street corner and ringing my bell for three straight weeks, the hypothermia in my feet has now worn off from being outside in the frigid December air, dad paid the ER bill, and I’m actually starting to feel my fingers again since we peeled off the sterile dressings. I was so glad that nothing had to be amputated, save my fear of cold-calling. So we slowly scrubbed up and surgically removed my fear. There it is, still pumping and spurting on a side table. Eww. Fear is gross.
Cold-calling time. Let’s do this! I pick up the phone. I dial them! They pick up. I open my mouth to confidently recite the presentation I’d boldly prepared!
Instead of “Hi, I’m Joshua Alexander,” I accidentally blurt out “I have to pee!” which reflexively causes me to slam the phone down in cold fear and tear down the street wailing, leaving a colorful trail of fruit-punch-flavored Spark vomit amidst screams of “Too hard! Too hard!!!” The sad thing is I never actually got to pee.
Tuesday, January 7th, 2020
No cold-calling today. Today, I’m gonna take it easy, like a nice warm walrus on a nice warm beach, quietly sipping a daquiri with one of those little umbrellas. I chose this comparison because I truly enjoy saying the word daquiri.
Daquiri daquiri daquiri daquiri daquiri. Ahhhh. The word has now lost all meaning.
Instead, I post pictures of my studio and equipment, and plaster them all over Craigslist in marketing ads in order to wow and impress. Flaggers remove all my ads in three minutes flat, and I learn you can be both impressed and depressed at the same time. It’s amazing how there are so many sentries on Craigslist these days, ready to annihilate my hopes and dreams. I just love the human race’s unquenchable spirit to quench others’ spirit. Yay.
I wonder if they’re hiring at McDonald’s? I don’t think I’ll need to perform marketing there, plus I’ll get free burgers and frypan grease for life. And if that isn’t enough, I can always raid Happy Meal boxes for the cool toys and watch children cry at the injustice of the world. Like they know anything about injustice. I’ve been flagged off Craigslist, kid. Quit your whining. Here, have some frypan grease.
Wednesday, January 8th, 2020
K, OK, back to it. I can do this. I purchase a cattle prod and I have my sister test it on me, and it works, so now I’m ready to try cold-calling again.
Nope, too hard! Don’t wanna.
Thursday, January 9th, 2020
It’s a whole new day. Marketing shouldn’t really be this hard, right? Isn’t it like America sang back in the 80’s? “You can do magic. You can have anything that you desire. Magic…and you know you’re the one who can put out the fire.” Wait….what? That sounds like quenching again. What’s with all the quenching lately???
Plus I’m still accidentally typing 2019 on everything and need something to jolt me back to reality.
Friday, January 10th, 2020
I can’t wait for this weekend because: Marketing. Is. Hard. Do I really have to do this? Why can’t I just hold people at gunpoint and make them pay me to do voiceovers? I just don’t understand. Maybe on some other planet marketing is easier; it’s as easy here as convincing a certain president that a certain state is NOT in fact in the path of a certain hurricane exactly, when in fact all data points to the fact that there never WAS any hurricane named Exactly, so it couldn’t have anything in its path anyway, much less Alabama.
What’s to be done? I suppose I could give up all semblance of sanity, forego any further marketing attempts and just dance naked around a bonfire, chanting, with sticks. It’s possible – nay, likely – that that may in fact attract the attention of everyone, in which case further marketing efforts would be rendered unnecessary because everyone now knows who I am and what I do. I would therefore quite obviously be known as Naked Fire Chanter Stick-Wielder Voiceover Guy, and I think my problems would be all over, and I’ll finally be popular. Or they might be just beginning, because I think that there are unquenchable people who will want to quench me.
Yep, there's one.
Saturday, January 11th, 2020
Wow. Is it Saturday already? YAY! No marketing today!!
I said no marketing!
HEY. WAIT JUST A S.E.C....
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