Unmasking the Bane of our Email
Emailing, Emailing, Emailing
Don’t you just love marketing. It’s wonderful! Never in any other business function are you afforded such a rich bounty of opportunities to just simply make people go ballistic. It’s wonderful. You send an email stating nicely who you are and what you do, and the recipient sends you a nice subpoena accompanied by cease and desist letters. It’s great! The human race is built on such exchanges of kindness.
Take your pick: there are hot leads, warm leads, cold leads, and frigid leads. These last leads are the ones that you have to leave out a day or two to thaw before you really go to town on selling them. If however they remain obstinate and keep sending you cease and desist letters, I find that setting them in the oven at 450 for 3 weeks returns them to the point of reason and gentle communication. Some are personable and cheery. Others make you want to not be part of the human race anymore and form your own colony on another planet that has no lawyers or ovens or leads of any temperature.
But every once in a while, you are entreated to a message exchange with a little Elf. Or a dwarf? A troll? Possibly even a gremlin! Whatever it is, it’s a magical, mysterious creature that likes to respond instantaneously, faster than any other responder ever could. You know them, and you love them. Their name? MAILER-DAEMON!
Ah, MAILER-DAEMON. How I love you. How I appreciate your not-so-subtle attempts to subvert my communication, intercept my transmissions and reply back in all caps. Stop it. Just STOP IT, MAILER-DAEMON, you all-caps-demon-with-an-inexplicable-A.
Who the @#$)%& is MAILER-DAEMON?
There are lots of questions I have in life. Some I will never receive answers to. They are the questions that keep me up at night and make me bite my wife’s fingernails because mine are chewed clean off. Questions such as:
- Why do people pick and eat their boogers? Just…..why???
- Why when I wanted to go to that bowling party, did I wind up in an Amway meeting?
- Why on earth would people eat mushrooms? Do they eat other fungi too, like puffballs, toadstools, smuts, bunts, and rusts?
- If the black box in an airplane always survives, why don’t they just make the whole airplane out of that stuff?
- If pizza is round, why does it come in a square box?
- If clouds were blue, would it always be a clear day?
- What do batteries run on?
- Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
- Why is there no pine nor apple in pineapple?
- Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
- When French people curse, do they say, “Excuse my English?”
- If a man named “Odd” died and didn’t want his name on his tombstone, would people walk by, glance at the empty tombstone and say “Huh…that’s odd…”
But my main question, and this is the one I’ll ask St. Peter at the Pearly Gates – and if he can’t answer me then I’m demoting him – is who the @#$)%& is MAILER-DAEMON? Is it an elf? A troll? A scrunchy gremliny hunchbacked lumbering orange orc of a man that can only grunt and wheeze yet somehow can intercept emails and respond in all caps?
For you see, in our quest to reach out to potential clients, we’re going to invariably come across those dreaded hunchbacks, er, bouncebacks. We sent perfectly legitimate emails, mind you, it’s just that somewhere in that telephone wire, or that satellite, or that cable modem lurks a small hairy creature with an insatiable desire to send us confusing communications. The creature sends a lot of them. Multiple times a day. Always sending confusing communications that make us scratch our heads and pull up Google Translate. Were we to reach in and find him and pull him out, I think he would be a little man that looks like a cross between Donald Trump and something scary…like, say, Donald Trump.
Attack of the Orange
Basically, I’m pretty sure that it’s just a bunch of Donald Trumps in there. For if you rearrange all the letters in MAILER-DAEMON, turn them around, flip all the vowels with consonants and then double-invert them until they’re repositioned, do a backflip, yodel, and then drink a quantity of alcohol that will enable you to believe every word I say and call me Yolanda, "MAILER-DAEMON" works out to spell "Donald Trump." It’s true, and I think there should be an imSpeechment inquiry. It’s him speaking to us, I know it.
Just look at his Twitter feed! Loaded with ALL CAPS posts. MAILER-DAEMON comes from the same Latin root as:
- The Cyber, and
- Covfefe, which is a word that, loosely translated, means mathematical Jennifer squirrel nougat Nissan ukulele.
I’m telling you, I’m onto something here. All MAILER-DAEMON email IP addresses are based in the Ukraine, I suspect, as they are coming at us quickly, preparedly, as if they’ve been investigating us. And lastly, each time I get a MAILER-DAEMON email, it contains all kind of crazy language and code and syntax that makes zero sense to me, a lowly mortal. Take the following:
Now if that isn’t Donald Trumpspeak, then I don’t know what is. In fact, if you look at the “Content-Language” above, you’ll see “en-US.” If you rearrange all the letters in en-US, turn them around, flip all the vowels with consonants and then double-invert them until they’re repositioned, do a backflip, yodel, then drink three times the amount of alcohol that you did before so that it will make you want to start addressing me as Supreme Potentate (which I would very much enjoy) you’ll see that it once again works out to spell Donald Trump. I bought a Drogan’s Decoder Wheel. I’m right on this one. Fight me.
So! Greetings, MAILER-DAEMON. You have been unmasked at last. (And you would have succeeded too, if it hadn’t been for us meddling kids.) Now that we all know who you are, we’ll go back to our successful email marketing plan and reach those frigid leads, thankyouverymuch.
If not, oh well. I guess that's just the way of The Cyber. Covfefe, Mr. Nambia.
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