HELP! I’ve been SHOT!

But C3PO: see? 3 hours...not PO’d

 

Hit me with your best Shot

It was finally time.  Pardon me.  Allow me to rephrase that.  FREAKING FINALLY, IT WAS FINALLY FREAKING TIME.  It had been over a year since an epidemic had graduated to pandemic status, and the start of the barrage of sweet reverb-laden piano music accompanied by "In these unprecedented times... we're all in this together."  ER Nurses and first responders began to be worshipped en masse.  I remember it well.

Fast forward to now.  I was caught up in desperately trying to hide my jealousy as I smiled through clenched teeth when I heard yet another of my acquaintances got their vaccine.  Well, on April 27th, I freaking finally received my first Pfizer Covid-19 vaccination.  Good timing too, because I was about to call someone and complain; I was just unsure who to call.  It was at this point that I began to look up the number for Carrot Top.  I figured, if anyone knew how to annoy someone to the point of them surrendering a vaccine in order to stop the madness, surely, it would be Carrot Top.

Carrot Top GIFs | Tenor

After more than a few calls where I was hung up on due to some alleged playground-level doody-head threats that I did not utter and you can not prove that I did, the Judge issued a restraining order against me, and I was on my merry way.

However, after consulting with my doctor, it was suggested that I should check into an appointment through Vaccine Finder, given the fact that I did actually have some potential comorbidities and underlying conditions.  I had been a smoker, and occasionally – confession time – I will reach for a pack when the stress becomes greater than my ability to cope, such as:

  • when our Internet modem goes down
  • when my computer decides to pull a BSOD
  • when we are out of string cheese

Additionally, as a child I had asthma, and as an adult I have EIB, which is exercised-induced bronchoconstriction. I am also about seventy pounds overweight.  I suffer from stricture, which is an unpredictable narrowing of the airway until one can reach the same musical notes as Mariah Carey or Betty Boop.  I have a hangnail. And finally, I have that unwanted pimple in a previously undisclosed location, which they did not request proof of.

These Giant Inescapable Problems were finally enough to qualify me for an appointment at my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart on Saturday morning, March 27th, at 9:20am.

It was simply, really.  None of the local stores or clinics had any upcoming appointments available, due to vaccine shortages.  Almost NO ONE (all caps and italicized for emphasis) had an appointment available, in fact, which strikes me as a slightly inconvenient problem to have when you're embroiled in a worldwide pandemic.  I am told it is very hard to administer a vaccine without a vaccine.

So, like any logical adult, I widened my search radius to include other planets and solar systems.  And bingo!  I finally found one, at the Wal-Mart in Shelton, which is A City That Is Far Away.  I am kidding.  It was only a short 40-minute jaunt.  “What the heck”, I figured, if I didn’t buy my Soccer-Mom van for this, then surely I did not buy it for any good reason.  Besides, with my wife and children staying home, this would give me the perfect opportunity to see what top speeds I could attain in my van.  At least that is what I told the nice probation officer who monitors my ankle bracelet.

Arriving at 9:19am, I beheld the large commercial chain store that housed my deliverance.  By deliverance I mean they sell Jolt Cola.  But the bonus is that they were also offering the vaccine...(wait for it)...along with the purchase of any six-pack of Jolt Cola.  #themoreyouknow

So what does one experience when one gets one's vaccination?  Roll up your sleeve, and I will give you the vaccination shot.......process.

 

How to Get Shot

First, one arrives at, and enters, Wal-Mart.

 

Next, one checks in and obtains paperwork for one to fill out, standing in line to receive said paperwork, and wondering why there exists no attendant to merely hand out paperwork for people to fill out while sitting down.  Thus, one gets to stand in line twicely: once to pick up paperwork, once to drop it off.  A splendid time is guaranteed for all.

 

Next, after submitting paperwork and standing in line twicely, one pees, since waiting in line twicely takes time, and perhaps you have already forgotten that I mentioned Wal-Mart sells Jolt Cola.

 

Once one’s bladder has been properly evacuated, one washes one’s hands, because when one is about to receive a vaccine to inoculate against a virus that has caused a worldwide pandemic, one is ever cognizant of the need to wash one’s hands.

 

Then, one waits in line.  Again.  Thricely.

 

Luckily, one finds chairs, and one sits and waits for someone to call one’s name... (This does not happen until the year of our Lord 2037, which has not happened yet)...

 

…which allows one to sleep, and later to provide pictures of one’s giant neck roll, accompanied by mad hopes that the yellow Wal-Mart stars will provide sufficient distraction.

 

Next, one graduates to the Inner Waiting Sanctum Of Hope, which is a place you have only ever heard about in legend and where exists only waiting, more waiting, and people that are mad because they are waiting.

 

Finally, after three hours of check-ins, paperwork, more paperwork, peeing, standing in line, peeing while standing in line, sleeping, more paperwork, more sleeping, and slipping in a little upcoming Easter Sunday egg-hunt shopping, one gets…

 

THE VACCINE!

That is the story, and now you know.

As I waited there in line (thricely), I had the strangest and most surreal feeling of familiarity descend upon me, like that feeling you get when you see that sexy superstar in real life who you kissed in a dream, but were uncertain if you wanted to come clean about the dream.  I do understand this, and I will have my sexy superstar people discreetly call you to arrange said kiss.

You see, for five years straight, I was first in line at the Apple Store in Lynnwood for the release of the new iPhone.  I am being serious and this is no fable.  A group of us would stay overnight outside the store each year, initiating the sleepover line of lusting and eager Apple-sheep willing to tell that giant fruit company to shut up and take our money at 8am the following morning.  It had become a tradition, and I eagerly awaited each September for the newest release.

I have blogged about my Apple addictions.  Do not judge me.

Apple sleepover2  Apple sleepover

As I stood there in line waiting for my Covid vaccination, I couldn't shake the inescapable similarity.  Here I was in line yet again, for such a long time that I was able to watch small children grow up, grow old, die, and mold over before my very eyes, waiting for something I desperately wanted.  Waiting for something I desperately needed.  There was a palpable feeling of celebration and nobility in the air, because everyone was doing something right.  I did not receive the ovation common to each Apple release where the doors would open and those fine folks in blue would jubilantly welcome me in as I elbow-elbow-wrist-wristed my way in triumphantly as Customer Number One, but it was an eerily similar celebratory sensation nonetheless.  I felt like I belonged to some elite club for a product that I wanted, needed and deserved, and would make my life better.

So. Worth the 3-hour wait?  Definitely.  In the future, however, I propose that they simply embed the vaccine into every iPhone, transmissible via 5G, for faster dissemination.  Or, you know, just have people stop eating bats covered in pig juice in the first place.

 

Shot in the arm...and you're to blame...you give viruses a bad name...

You probably saw my point coming.  I am sorry it took so long to get here.  By "sorry" I mean "rejoicing."

"Shot in the arm": it is a common euphemism for an injection of resilience and fortitude.  We Voiceover Artists all need it every now and then.

What are your pain points?  What are you sick and tired of?  What has you drained, and has infected your confidence in your voiceover pursuits?  What problems or issues are you having problems recovering from?

If you are down, do not resist a chance to get a shot in the arm.  I am not talking about from Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, AstraZeneca, or any other remedies that may come along, such as a hot bath with Kenny G. (I actually do recommend this last one, however, if he is available: talk to his agent and see if he is willing.)

Consider the following shots in the arm that you can obtain:

  • Coaching
  • Group Coaching
  • Meetups
  • Virtual Conferences
  • Webinars
  • Listening to peers and drawing inspiration from them
  • Inspirational Books
  • Inspirational Videos
  • Time Away / Vacation
  • Meditation
  • Counseling
  • Prayer
  • Meditating with your Counselor, whom you are praying for
  • Picking up your stinking phone and calling a stinking friend

Get that shot in the arm if you need it.  Get rejuvenated and take hope.

Your Giant Inescapable Problems are not insurmountable.

Pick up a Jolt Cola and let's get to tackling 'em, eh?  IT'S FINALLY FREAKING TIME.

 

=============

Final Bullet Points:

  • Like this blog?  My children are counting on you to put bread on our table through the purchase of one of my books.  By the way, low-guilt-trip sales pushes are my specialty
  • NOTE: This blog is purely for commentary / educational / entertainment purposes.  I make no money from these blogs; though I do not refuse large cash gifts if it means I can pretend I'm a church
  • Check out my whole UNIVERSE of blogs right HERE!
  • This is a fourth bullet point.

 

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
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19 thoughts on “HELP! I’ve been SHOT!”

  1. Congratulations on your vaccine!! It’s a huge sigh of relief for me every time somebody I know gets one!

    But you’re an Apple zealot? Dude – didn’t you read the fine print on the vaccine?? You belong to Gates now!! SUCKEERRRRR!

    …I feel like I should be saying that before laughing maniacally, jumping out of a window, and then mysteriously exploding.

  2. 1. Congrats on your microchip. I got mine a week or so ago, and haven’t had any glitches yet. Can’t wait for the software upgrade in a few weeks!
    2. They still sell Jolt somewhere? Does that place also sell Surge? Or Orbits? Does anyone remember Orbits, or was it a high school fever dream that I had?
    3. I love the idea that Michael just randomly explodes after saying weird things…

    1. 1. Thank you! I started seeing Trinity and Neo first thing, but I’ve since moved on to Morpheus mode. I hope to one day merge with the Matrix itself and have there be a bona fide “Joshua Alexander Coding for Dummies” book made in my honor. In time.

      2. I think I drank it all, so no, they do not sell anymore.

      3. Right? I want to launch him from a cannon to test it out.

  3. It is quite unfortunate that I didn’t know this ahead of time – I would’ve informed you that a SHORT drive to Orlando would’ve allowed you to score a SHORT line and BRIEF wait time at several nearby locations. Oh well, what is done is done…

  4. Brilliant Josh, as always. Congratulations on your shot! Your patience was
    much rewarded (not to mention the Jolt you got) – hopefully from the cola, not the shot.
    Loved this blog and other suggestions for “shots” ….

  5. Congratulations Josh! I got my second vaccine last week.

    Also, my copy of your new book, Running a successful Voiceover Business, arrived last night. I’m on chapter 2. Thank you for inspiring me to continue on.

    Blessings

  6. You might try checking in here to schedule shot #2: https://prepmod.doh.wa.gov/ VaccineFinder kept sending me to sites with no appointments, but I stumbled across this site and my experience was far superior to yours. Just saying. Did all the paperwork online. Never even got out of my car.

    1. Really this a reply to that whiner Joshua Alexander.

      I mean really. Who does get shot on occassion in today’s America? From what I hear people—especial children—don’t even have to leave home.

      Nice to know you’ve got your shot. I’m half shot myself—no bleeding evident—second one comes in late July. (Those holes in my head were “preexisting conditions.”)

      First time I’ve left the second shot to the third month. I can’t usually wait that long (See your earlier comments about need to pee while standing in line. Or even in bed between10pm and 8pm. No one pees that little so often.)

      1. Ha thanks Mike for your reply. Whiner? Check! I’ll take it. Whining got me my shot, so no regrets there. However I will always reserve the right to whine when I have to pee.

    2. Interesting! Thanks for the tip, Kate! I’ll check it out for my wife once Washington opens up to all residents over the age of 16 after April 15th. I’ll be sure to send her with a Jolt soda either way. 🙂

  7. I definitely need a vacation, hehe. I’ll have to settle for long walks. We recently moved house (as in a week ago today) and were so “grateful” to find the noisiest people living above us. It’s so wonderful to attempt a recording when little feet persist in traversing the length of an apartment as fast and as many times as they can during the workday. I’ve been told the extra bass it adds to the sound is a real plus; on the dB meter.
    Needless to say, while we’re here for 6 months, I’ll be focusing more on the artsy side of things – which is still my primary income, though thankfully I can still record at night, when said “little” “children”, because we have to keep it PG, on the inside too, are stationary. lol.

    I’m also really grateful that while unpacking, they kindly, and loudly, let us know they know who they are (had to look it up):
    https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sinach/iknowwhoiam.html
    That was nice, LOL.

    During the day, it has calmed down a bit after Easter weekend (minus the hammering between 5 and 6 this morning) – I think they might be at school – yay us! haha.

    Long walks are generally as good as a holiday for me and the estate (no, unfortunately not that kind of estate with 40 hectares of formal garden, yet!) is huge. I’m super jazzed about some animation work this week as well, so that will also be quite the shot in the arm! 😀

    Glad you finally got shot! I hope to be soon as well! Getting shot the other way is so easy over here – I just have to walk up the street and turn left, LOL. Ironic that it’s easier to get shot than to get shot, hehe. Anyway, I’m aiming (not intended) for Johnson & Johnson, because double points in only 1 shot. I don’t think I qualify yet, but I’ll do some checking.

    Have a super week!!! 😀
    Great post as usual!

    1. You have a super week as well, good sir! Super enough to outlast the noise…super enough to outlast the being shot at…super enough to have to look up lyrics…and super enough to manage 40 hectares of garden! YOU CAN DO IT! Go git ’em, tiger.

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