But C3PO: see? 3 hours...not PO’d
Hit me with your best Shot
It was finally time. Pardon me. Allow me to rephrase that. FREAKING FINALLY, IT WAS FINALLY FREAKING TIME. It had been over a year since an epidemic had graduated to pandemic status, and the start of the barrage of sweet reverb-laden piano music accompanied by "In these unprecedented times... we're all in this together." ER Nurses and first responders began to be worshipped en masse. I remember it well.
Fast forward to now. I was caught up in desperately trying to hide my jealousy as I smiled through clenched teeth when I heard yet another of my acquaintances got their vaccine. Well, on April 27th, I freaking finally received my first Pfizer Covid-19 vaccination. Good timing too, because I was about to call someone and complain; I was just unsure who to call. It was at this point that I began to look up the number for Carrot Top. I figured, if anyone knew how to annoy someone to the point of them surrendering a vaccine in order to stop the madness, surely, it would be Carrot Top.
After more than a few calls where I was hung up on due to some alleged playground-level doody-head threats that I did not utter and you can not prove that I did, the Judge issued a restraining order against me, and I was on my merry way.
However, after consulting with my doctor, it was suggested that I should check into an appointment through Vaccine Finder, given the fact that I did actually have some potential comorbidities and underlying conditions. I had been a smoker, and occasionally – confession time – I will reach for a pack when the stress becomes greater than my ability to cope, such as:
- when our Internet modem goes down
- when my computer decides to pull a BSOD
- when we are out of string cheese
Additionally, as a child I had asthma, and as an adult I have EIB, which is exercised-induced bronchoconstriction. I am also about seventy pounds overweight. I suffer from stricture, which is an unpredictable narrowing of the airway until one can reach the same musical notes as Mariah Carey or Betty Boop. I have a hangnail. And finally, I have that unwanted pimple in a previously undisclosed location, which they did not request proof of.
These Giant Inescapable Problems were finally enough to qualify me for an appointment at my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart on Saturday morning, March 27th, at 9:20am.
It was simply, really. None of the local stores or clinics had any upcoming appointments available, due to vaccine shortages. Almost NO ONE (all caps and italicized for emphasis) had an appointment available, in fact, which strikes me as a slightly inconvenient problem to have when you're embroiled in a worldwide pandemic. I am told it is very hard to administer a vaccine without a vaccine.
So, like any logical adult, I widened my search radius to include other planets and solar systems. And bingo! I finally found one, at the Wal-Mart in Shelton, which is A City That Is Far Away. I am kidding. It was only a short 40-minute jaunt. “What the heck”, I figured, if I didn’t buy my Soccer-Mom van for this, then surely I did not buy it for any good reason. Besides, with my wife and children staying home, this would give me the perfect opportunity to see what top speeds I could attain in my van. At least that is what I told the nice probation officer who monitors my ankle bracelet.
Arriving at 9:19am, I beheld the large commercial chain store that housed my deliverance. By deliverance I mean they sell Jolt Cola. But the bonus is that they were also offering the vaccine...(wait for it)...along with the purchase of any six-pack of Jolt Cola. #themoreyouknow
So what does one experience when one gets one's vaccination? Roll up your sleeve, and I will give you the vaccination shot.......process.
How to Get Shot
First, one arrives at, and enters, Wal-Mart.
Next, one checks in and obtains paperwork for one to fill out, standing in line to receive said paperwork, and wondering why there exists no attendant to merely hand out paperwork for people to fill out while sitting down. Thus, one gets to stand in line twicely: once to pick up paperwork, once to drop it off. A splendid time is guaranteed for all.
Next, after submitting paperwork and standing in line twicely, one pees, since waiting in line twicely takes time, and perhaps you have already forgotten that I mentioned Wal-Mart sells Jolt Cola.
Once one’s bladder has been properly evacuated, one washes one’s hands, because when one is about to receive a vaccine to inoculate against a virus that has caused a worldwide pandemic, one is ever cognizant of the need to wash one’s hands.
Then, one waits in line. Again. Thricely.
Luckily, one finds chairs, and one sits and waits for someone to call one’s name... (This does not happen until the year of our Lord 2037, which has not happened yet)...
…which allows one to sleep, and later to provide pictures of one’s giant neck roll, accompanied by mad hopes that the yellow Wal-Mart stars will provide sufficient distraction.
Next, one graduates to the Inner Waiting Sanctum Of Hope, which is a place you have only ever heard about in legend and where exists only waiting, more waiting, and people that are mad because they are waiting.
Finally, after three hours of check-ins, paperwork, more paperwork, peeing, standing in line, peeing while standing in line, sleeping, more paperwork, more sleeping, and slipping in a little upcoming Easter Sunday egg-hunt shopping, one gets…
That is the story, and now you know.
As I waited there in line (thricely), I had the strangest and most surreal feeling of familiarity descend upon me, like that feeling you get when you see that sexy superstar in real life who you kissed in a dream, but were uncertain if you wanted to come clean about the dream. I do understand this, and I will have my sexy superstar people discreetly call you to arrange said kiss.
You see, for five years straight, I was first in line at the Apple Store in Lynnwood for the release of the new iPhone. I am being serious and this is no fable. A group of us would stay overnight outside the store each year, initiating the sleepover line of lusting and eager Apple-sheep willing to tell that giant fruit company to shut up and take our money at 8am the following morning. It had become a tradition, and I eagerly awaited each September for the newest release.
I have blogged about my Apple addictions. Do not judge me.
As I stood there in line waiting for my Covid vaccination, I couldn't shake the inescapable similarity. Here I was in line yet again, for such a long time that I was able to watch small children grow up, grow old, die, and mold over before my very eyes, waiting for something I desperately wanted. Waiting for something I desperately needed. There was a palpable feeling of celebration and nobility in the air, because everyone was doing something right. I did not receive the ovation common to each Apple release where the doors would open and those fine folks in blue would jubilantly welcome me in as I elbow-elbow-wrist-wristed my way in triumphantly as Customer Number One, but it was an eerily similar celebratory sensation nonetheless. I felt like I belonged to some elite club for a product that I wanted, needed and deserved, and would make my life better.
So. Worth the 3-hour wait? Definitely. In the future, however, I propose that they simply embed the vaccine into every iPhone, transmissible via 5G, for faster dissemination. Or, you know, just have people stop eating bats covered in pig juice in the first place.
Shot in the arm...and you're to blame...you give viruses a bad name...
You probably saw my point coming. I am sorry it took so long to get here. By "sorry" I mean "rejoicing."
"Shot in the arm": it is a common euphemism for an injection of resilience and fortitude. We Voiceover Artists all need it every now and then.
What are your pain points? What are you sick and tired of? What has you drained, and has infected your confidence in your voiceover pursuits? What problems or issues are you having problems recovering from?
If you are down, do not resist a chance to get a shot in the arm. I am not talking about from Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, AstraZeneca, or any other remedies that may come along, such as a hot bath with Kenny G. (I actually do recommend this last one, however, if he is available: talk to his agent and see if he is willing.)
Consider the following shots in the arm that you can obtain:
- Group Coaching
- Virtual Conferences
- Listening to peers and drawing inspiration from them
- Inspirational Books
- Inspirational Videos
- Time Away / Vacation
- Meditating with your Counselor, whom you are praying for
- Picking up your stinking phone and calling a stinking friend
Get that shot in the arm if you need it. Get rejuvenated and take hope.
Your Giant Inescapable Problems are not insurmountable.
Pick up a Jolt Cola and let's get to tackling 'em, eh? IT'S FINALLY FREAKING TIME.
Final Bullet Points:
- Like this blog? My children are counting on you to put bread on our table through the purchase of one of my books. By the way, low-guilt-trip sales pushes are my specialty
- NOTE: This blog is purely for commentary / educational / entertainment purposes. I make no money from these blogs; though I do not refuse large cash gifts if it means I can pretend I'm a church
- Check out my whole UNIVERSE of blogs right HERE!
- This is a fourth bullet point.
AND HEY! WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!
- S-UBSCRIBE & S-HARE!: If you enjoyed this blog, please consider subscribing and sharing with friends and family, and encouraging them to subscribe and share. Offer treats for doing so.
- E-NCOURAGE: Go encourage someone else today with a single, simple sentence of affirmation. Tell them, “I like your earrings”, unless of course they are manly men, in which case you should compliment them on the size of their chainsaw.
- C-OMMENT: I want to hear from you. Please feel free to comment below! Comments with lots of “You’re wonderful” or “You’re the best” will receive instant approval and acclaim.
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire