A Get-Rich-Quick Guide
Follow my 5 easy steps
It’s a different world now. If you consider all the craziness that has happened since 2020 began, we’re on pace to start protesting about pandemics of impeached murder hornets soon. I think it’s time to inject a little disinfectant.
In all of this woe, people all over the planet are flocking to voiceovers like never before. I mean, there must be something here with such great promise as to delude thousands into thinking that it should be a piece of cake, right? Every week I get at least two to three emails from interested parties who “have been told they have a good voice.” Interestingly, I have never once been told that, to my recollection. I’ve been told that my face hurts someone's eyes, but never that I have a good voice. And yet here I am, successful in voiceovers with my painful face and good voice.
I get it though. In this different world, there have been lots of layoffs. Unemployment is climbing. People are searching for solutions, and pole dancing is so yesterday. Amway is from a bygone age. Magicians only work at events, and events are cancelled. And voiceovers seem like the golden ticket that will whisk you on your way to gajillions of dollars in no time. After all, how hard can it be, right? The truth is: it’s about as easy as being a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest: you’re bound to flail around like a silly fool drunk on Jolt.
The fact is, I’m still a gajillion bucks shy of being a gajillionaire. It’s true! While I do make a super nice living from voiceovers, enough to pay our mortgage and van and put more than just Top Ramen on our table, it’s certainly not enough to elevate me to Don LeFontaine echelons of income where I bathe in Benjamin Franklins. Heck, I can’t even bathe in Monopoly money; it’s still Uno cards for me.
Nonetheless, one day I’ll be there. I’ll arrive. And in deference to that path, I’ve put together a trusty list of five easy steps that, if followed closely with the utmost belief in possibilities and an unswerving dedication to achieving your dreams, will most likely lead you down a dark dank alley somewhere to get beat up by hooligans. Good luck.
Step 1: Dream ridiculously cool dreams
The very first step in becoming a Voiceover Gajillionaire is to dream insidiously gargantuan reveries for yourself. Doris Day is outlawed in our home because of her heretical work, “Dream a Little Dream Of Me.” I’m not kidding. It’s true. You simply don’t put “Dream” and “Little” together in a sentence in the Alexander household, or the punishment, last I checked, was being tied naked to a stake in the backyard and slathered with meat sauce just before the wife blows the wolf whistle.
Dreaming largely is absolutely critical to raking in eventual gajillions. You can’t move forward without big dreams. And speaking of dreams, you also need to sleep, because big sleep promotes big dreams, and big dreams keep you from being tied to stakes slathered in meat sauce. #themoreyouknow
So, always dream big. Take that, Doris.
Step 2: Prepare for a ton of rejection and heartache
Welcome to voiceovers, where you’ll face rejection, heartache, sorrow, despondency, rejection, gloom, sadness, rejection, despair, frustration, dismissal, rejection, misery, rebukes, rejection, agony, and finally, rejection. *scratches head* Tell me again why you want to be a Voiceover Artist?
We reach out to touch someone with marketing and auditions, and receive that loving and gracious response from a tender human soul who invites us to kindly F off. We send in our auditions where we know with absolute confidence that we knocked it out of the park, waiting with baited breath to receive confirmation that we’ll be cast. We hit F5 with a merciless perseverance to refresh that page and see that glorious “Awarded” status light up…for a different voice talent. Honestly, it’s enough to make us want to harm small animals sometimes. This is why my cat leaves when I enter a room. Also why hummingbirds are nowhere to be found for 3 square miles around my home.
But once we develop that sturdy exterior armor, that ability to march on in confidence – which I’m told comes somewhere after Audition #3,226,391,469,818,332,429,109,215 – we’re able to finally take rejection in stride, sticking our chest out and only calling Mommy for consolation on Wednesdays (instead of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and thricely on Saturday).
Step 3: Spend spend spend!
The third step is learn how to spend all of your money until you owe thirty-thousand-two-hundred-twenty-six people five-hundred-seventy-two-thousand-four-hundred-ninety-one dollars. Each.
If you have not developed the ability to spend by now, then I suggest paying a visit to Oscar Goldman and Dr. Rudy Wells, in order to strap you down on the operating table and say “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him: better than he was before. Better, stronger, consumier!” Also that pathetic single stimulus check you received should help.
In order to become a Voiceover Gajillionaire, you must develop the ability to spend ridiculous amounts of money at sites like Sweetwater, B&H, Guitar Center, Apple, and Amazon. The quickness with which you ascend the voiceover -illionaire ladder directly corresponds to the quickness with which money flies out of your wallet and is not intercepted by your chocolate-craving spouse or toy-splurging underlings. The operation that Goldman and Wells will perform on you should, in all likelihood, enable you to evade your family members in order to safely exit the house and head to the nearest audio equipment store. I do this on a regular basis by scattering jelly beans across the floor and watching them clamor for them as I proceed to slip out the side door. There are squirrels out there – or, well, at least there were (See Step 2).
Step 3A: Be diagnosed with Certifiable Lunatic Freakazoid Crazy Spastic Weirdo Head-in-the-Clouds Dreamer syndrome.
This is actually Step 1.
Step 4: Prepare your uber-cool responses to “Hey! Did I just hear you on the radio?”
Dwayne Johnson, though not technically a Voiceover Artist (although arguably a Gajillionaire by now and yes he did voice Maui in Moana: you're welcome) has truly mastered the eyebrow-raise: that ability to seduce you through one tiny gesture. I can hardly resist it myself, and it makes the knees of my bees squeak. Why, practically anytime I think of The Rock raising his eyebr- *thud*
If you can master this same sexy eye-raise anytime someone asks you something like “Hey, was that you on that TV commercial?” then you’ll have it made. Practice with me: you simply raise your eyebrow and say “Why, yes…yes that was in fact me, do you not love me utterly? Do you not worship the very ground that I walk on? Do you not wish that I might sign your Monopoly money with my Logo-anointed Voiceover Pen?”
Your goal is of course to make as many people faint as possible with your eye-raise and your incredibly sultry Voiceover voice: then, while they’re unconscious, you can rummage through their wallets, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a Voiceover Gajillionaire, vis a vis theft.
Step 5: Roll in the dough!
This is where you’ve finally made it. Where you realize with great elation that there is actually a LOT of money to be made in voiceovers. You’ve dreamt, you’ve endured, you’ve spent, and you’ve eye-raised. You’ve arrived.
So now it’s time to roll in the dough. I mean it!
Now is the time to ROLL in ALL THAT DOUGH. DOUGH EVERYWHERE! There is going to be SO much dough coming your way. No I mean it! Run to the store RIGHT NOW and get yourself some packages of Pillsbury dough. Get this dough, that dough, and all kinds of doughy dough to make a great batch of cookies with that you can quietly munch on in silence, pondering the error of your ways because most Voiceover Talents don’t actually make enough money in voiceovers to even afford an oven to bake cookies in. (Unless you’re J. Michael Collins, that is. Much respect, JMC!)
So back to pole dancing you go. And by the way? Swing by the dark dank alley again later, will you? Us hooligans want to do things to you.
HEY. WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!
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