I Cannot Tell A Lie

Voiceover Pinocchios

Vote for me & I promise to ?????????

"Vote for me & I promise to ?????????" by CJS*64 is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

 

As with all of my blogs...read and enjoy...there is a make-sense message at the end.  Stay with me!

 

 

The Proof is in the Pudding

File:Swiss MIss Chocolate Vanilla Swirl pudding cup.jpg - Wikipedia

This section is about pudding, because it is pudding, and that is enough.  I am confident that pudding was invented by Jesus Himself, and that there will be pudding in heaven.  I have yet to record a voiceover script about pudding, but all good things come to those who eat their weight in pudding.  I have now said pudding seven times.

But fear not: I almost always have a point. My point this time is this: I do not like disclaimers placed on my pudding, cereal, or anything.

“Some settling may have occurred.”

“Contents may have settled.”

“Package sold by weight, not volume.”

I recently opened my pudding cup, only to see less than the maximum.  I am sorry, but I paid for the maximum product made by Jesus Himself.  I did not want two-thirds of Jesus, nor did I pay for two-thirds of Jesus.  False advertising!  The pudding; not Jesus.

Packaging should not be visually misleading as to the quantity contained, and this “slack fill” problem is becoming an epidemic.  There is truly nothing worse than opening a package – any package - only to find that it is only filled 66% full of whatever goodness I expected 100% of.  Cereal boxes are another example.  The inner plastic bag reaches to only 2/3 of the top of the box, and – even worse - the bag itself is filled only 2/3 full.

Sons of Steve Garvey: The NL West Is Like a Box of...Cereal

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HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH SUCH SHENANIGANS?!?!?

I am calm now.

Finally, to add insult to injury, I recently received my new container of Spark from Advocare.  I am attaching the following picture for your 2/3 enjoyment to prove my 66% point.  This is exactly the quantity received from a container that IMHO should be 100% full:

spark

Because of all of this, I am therefore going to propose that that is no longer called settling, and instead called robbery.  Examples:

  • ”Some robbery may have occurred.”
  • “Contents may have robbed you.”
  • “Package sold by robbery, not integrity.”

To apply this in practical situations, I will be handing out 2/3 of any further $20 bills to the cashier who is taking 66% of my order before I walk 2/3 of the way out of the store and am 2/3 arrested by 66% of the store security.

It is the same with traffic.  Just this past weekend we were heading north to pick up my mother from the airport, who had flown in from Tucson to see her grandchildren.  My wife and I, who are known as The Taxi Drivers Who Exist To Simply Transport Her And Get Out Of The Way Of Her View Of Her Grandchildren, dutifully drove to pick her up from Seatac.  From the moment we entered I-5 northbound, we were sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for, if my memory is correct, four hundred and thirty-nine miles north.  It is at this point that I would like to ebulliently thank the makers of VeggieTales for helping to keep the small creatures in the back of my van passive.

When we got to the end of the traffic jam, it just sort of…dissolved.  No cataclysm; no fiery wreck, no travesty.  What was the reason for the traffic jam then???  No smoking asteroid embedded into what was left of the highway, with cars snaking their way carefully around it on either side.  I was honestly disappointed at this anticlimactic conclusion.  I had half-expected to see the blackened fiery charred husk of an overturned car, and a grisly wreck spanning the width of the highway, because then that would make sense of our delay.

I am sure it is just me, but if you are going to delay me in stop-and-go traffic for a whole hour, then I feel I am entitled to see dismembered humans staggering clumsily through smoke and fiery misery, like the zombies in Thriller.  As the zombies are now 2/3 alive, this jives perfectly with my new life approach.

Stupid pudding cups.

 

Life IS pain, Highness

Pin for Later: 20 Princess Bride Quotes Still Good For Everyday Usage When You Want to Be Clever and Cynical | Princess bride quotes, Princess bride, Bride

I am now going to refer to the source of all goodness.  It has been around for ages, and is filled with truth, light, music, and beauty.  Here I am not referring to Jerry Springer.  The source of all goodness is not even The Bible....mostly.

It is The Princess Bride, a movie that has been around since a long time ago before movies became about superheroes.  A phrase was uttered in that movie that still resonates today.  It is a powerful phrase.  I am not referring to “Where's the Beef?

I am talking about what Wesley said to Buttercup: “Life IS pain, Highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

Wesley was right.  I have experienced pain through, particularly, deception, and I am not OK with it.  Aside from pudding and traffic, here are some examples of when I have been deceived:

  • Fad Diets. I was told that certain pills might be effective for me because the problem is that obesity runs in my family.  They did not actually work, however, because the actual problem is that nobody runs in my family.
  • Meat. Some people have expressed to me that eating meat is murder.  Fine.  It is murder.  Delicious, flame-broiled murder.  Stop ruining my dinner.
  • Thin Mints. A Pennsylvania man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart, and so I too would like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.
  • Pac-Man. There has been a lot of talk lately about today’s video games causing young people to respond to stress negatively with aggression and acts of violence. Popular games from MY childhood taught kids to deal with stress a different way, by constantly running from their problems and binge eating.  See "Thin Mints" above.
  • Defensive Driving. I was told to practice defensive driving, and was led to believe others were taught the same. Highway behavior, however, appalls me; and I do not enjoy having to be nice to someone I would really like to just throw a brick at.
  • The Return of the King Movie. I was told movies have a single ending.
  • CatsAlso Kittens, which are Evil soaked in Cute.
  • Exercise Instructors. They assign me pointless activity that is not nearly as enjoyable as simply laying down.  I did do a push-up today, after all.  OK fine. The truth is that I fell down, but I did have to use my arms to get back up, so…close enough.  Now I need chocolate.
  • Casinos.  All of them, especially the ones that never paid me anything.
  • All Doctors Everywhere. I cite a recent conversation with my doctor:
    • Doctor: “You have this disease.”
    • Me: “oh no”
    • Doctor: “But you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise.”
    • Me: “OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO”
  • Revenge.  I was told that revenge is a dish that is best served cold.  However, people also say that revenge is sweet.  So, basically, revenge is ice cream.
  • Siri. I will never forget desperately trying to make the 1st generation Siri do my bidding.  I desperately tried to painstakingly and slowly enunciate the phrase, “Find - the - nearest - bowling - alley.”  I assumed speaking louder and slower would help.  Siri replied with, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand ‘find the newest burrowing owl leave me.'"  And, well, pretty much anything else Siri says.
  • Weather Forecast Apps.  Because, you know.

All I wanted was 100% of my pudding.  Stupid pudding cups.

The truth is that life IS pain.  You cannot solve everything with something, so do not resort to lying and deceiving.  Unless you are a politician of course.  Then they pay you to do it.

 

So how do Voiceover Artists UN-deceive?

Feel free to tell your truth...

"Feel free to tell your truth..." by Damanhur, Federation of Communities is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

 

Why the latest rant and rave by Joshua Alexander?  I will tell you, because you deserve to know.  Also because if I do not write a weekly blog, Google will start to forget me.  But mostly the first thing.

In voiceovers, you have only one responsibility.  Well, actually three responsibilities wrapped up in one.  They are:

  • Deliver an impeccable performance
  • Deliver stellar audio quality
  • Deliver utter commitment to customer service

All of these are part of your responsibility to truly deliver for your customers.  That is, after all, what they are paying you to do.  So I ask you now, are you committed to 2/3 of an impeccable performance?  66% stellar audio quality?  An “almost” commitment to customer service?

I run voiceovers as my primary business.  I treat it like a business, and I treat it professionally.  I treat my customers professionally, and I do that 100%.  Any less, and I risk losing a repeat client.  I risk a bad review.  I risk them not paying on time.  I risk them telling a partner not to work with me.  So it is in my best interest not to deceive them.  To under­-promise, and to over-deliver.  Not the other way around.

Do you do any of the following:

  • overpromise and underdeliver?
  • say you can have it done in under an hour and you get it back to them tomorrow?
  • try to steal other voice talent’s clients?
  • lie about the quality of your hardware, software, or who your previous clientele have been?
  • maintain an image of having it all together, when really you are falling apart inside?  Essentially, are you an imposter?
  • Or worse, are you a coach who is promising students repeat voiceover bookings once they pay $2400 and sign on your dotted line?

If you do any of the above, then you are a Voiceover Pinocchio, and Jesus would like to speak to you.  This way, please.

Pinocchio !

"Pinocchio !" by Captain Roger Fenton 1860 is marked with CC PDM 1.0

 

Deception is not always so obvious, is it?  For example, King Theoden, in The Two Towers, trusted an advisor named Wormtongue.  Wormtongue.  It was right there in his name.  But our names do not have to be Wormtongue or Slick McSalesGuy in order to deceive our customers.

wormtongue

Lord help us see clearly, and neither deceive nor be deceived.

Lord help us to be truthful in advertising, and in all of our voiceover ways.

And Lord, above all else, thank you for pudding.

Please also let there be no more traffic.

 

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
me@saysomethingjosh.com
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21 thoughts on “I Cannot Tell A Lie”

  1. I cannot tell a lie!!!! I really don’t have it all together – yet …. but I don’t pretend to either to myself or others … Simply moving forward.
    I love your direct and honest thoughts. As always.

  2. Hi Josh, Your latest offering is full of truth and humour. I belly laughed at Siri’s comment – It was a hoot!!! 😂 Sorry I couldn’t resist!!! 🤣
    I’m at the very start of my narrating career and trusting God to turn the pages of my own story so I can pour His word out through my mouth. As, “Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.”
    By choosing to read only Christian and Children’s books, I am fully aware that I have narrowed the field; but I also smile because I know “With God All Things Are Possible.” And “The Lord Works Everything To It’s Proper End.” And You and your blog are a great blessing and an encouragement to me on this journey.
    Thank you 😊

    1. Thank you Nicola, I deeply appreciate the feedback! It’s been one of those kinds of Monday’s. 🙂 I appreciate it! Keep up that mouth Word pouring: the world needs more of it. 🙂 And watch out for those burrowing owls!

  3. No Whammyburgers!!

    I just want you to know that you crack me up, and again I’m so sorry that it’s misfortune that fuels some of the funnier things you say. In turn, please laugh at any ridiculous and unfortunate experiences I might write about. I’ll feel better!

    Hmm… You know what also helps me feel better are Honey Bunches of WHO ATE THE FIRST 1/3 OF MY CEREAL

    1. OMG what were you even saying? I was in mid-laugh at some misfortune that you had recently…I missed it. Hahaha! Sorry!!! *tries to compose, is siezed by the laughter again and spews his drink across the room*

    1. Aha!! You creative genius! I just wish I could have found a picture of *butterscotch* pudding. That one was made where Jesus put a little extra in the mix, and I praise Him for it!

      1. Oh hell….er.. I mean, heavens, YESSSS! to butterscotch being the best, exclaims this butterscotch-pudding- and Jesus- and suspensive-hyphen-loving commenter! 😀

  4. I think the only one I would throw the book at the mirror for is actually trying to get it all together, lol. None of us really do, at least I don’t think so. I do find that if you focus on the better, the situation always has a chance for changing for the better and often does. If I don’t, and I just go with how negative I feel, I inevitably end up worse off – I don’t like that. I’ve seen this affect my health quite severely over the last two years. I had lost a lot of weight without trying to and I really believe it was related to a VERY toxic atmosphere – we’re out of and it has stabilized now, praise GOD and I gained some back – a little too easily hehe!

    I guess what I’d like to say is I focus on believing the best, because it produces the best – the converse is also true; whether you wear both or just one is irrelevant, lol.

    Fav point though – under-promise and over-deliver. I always always try to do that!

    And this just made my day: “They did not actually work, however, because the actual problem is that nobody runs in my family.” hahaha!!! Thanx for that!

  5. “Life IS pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

    How very Buddhist of him.

    The Return of the King Movie. I was told movies have a single ending.

    See also: The Hobbit. I was SURE I read that [reasonably short] children’s novel when I was ten, and now suddenly it’s a massive epic trilogy with adult themes that makes no sense? okay.

    Anyone who knows me will tell you I cannot tell a lie. Trust me, I’ve tried. Can’t do it. My eyes pop out and I forget to breathe and I basically just explode. Or implode. Both maybe. I also cannot hide my emotions in any other situation. They all live on my face.

    So yeah, if you’re a client and you can still see and hear me talking like a functional human, I’m telling you the truth. Yay!

    1. Remember that time where we were watching The Hobbit, and then I tried to get you to lie, and you burst into flame, and I got a third degree burn? And then you ran in and told your mom, and I got banished from the Meers household for a fortnight, only to throw rocks at your window at 3am and you’d climb out and we’d run off into the hills, and that’s when we found the flying saucer and all those alien bodies doing their experiment thingies on those people? And that’s when that big guy came up behind us and bound and gagged us and kept us in that outhouse for a fortnight? And we couldn’t get out except by using that spoon we found to slowly scrape away at the walls until finally we had built our own aqueduct system with lights and natural ventilation from that generator your smelted together? That took us a fortnight, remember! And then remember when we finally got out and got back to society and everyone wondered where we were, and your parents were so elated that you were alive and that I helped get you out of there that they forgave all even as they glared at me for getting you into this mess, and there was rejoicing for a whole fortnight? And that’s when we all realized that the Hobbit was STILL playing?!?!?!? Oh my gosh. I laughed at that experience afterwards for a FORTNIGHT!!! But all of that is unfortunately one big giant lie so I guess I’ll just – BOOM!!!!!

  6. I am not sure how this blog ended because I only got 2/3 of the way through it. I thought Michael’s story might be funny but I lost interest there also, as is expected to 2/3rds of the way. So all end with this, I just want to say thank you for writing this blog and I really think that…..

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