I put Santa on the Naughty List

Because NO: he did NOT come to town.

More sad than bad, 'Bad Santa 2' is lump of coal | The Blade

 

A Most Necessary Update

Great Character: Willie T. Stokes (“Bad Santa”) | by Scott Myers | Go Into The Story

Well, here we are.  It’s the holiday season once again, and that brings me to some unfortunate conclusions that I am compelled to address.  It is time to peel the onion of illusion of that great gift-giver himself, Mr. Santa F. Claus of The North Pole.  The F stands for Fraud.

Last year, around this time, I made a blog entitled “Josh’s Christmas Voiceover Wish List.”  See to it that you visit this life-changing link post-haste, because I’m going to attack it like a cantankerously vindictive one-armed feeble orphan who was abandoned at birth and now indignantly stomps his way through life with a brazen vendetta fueled by separation-anxiety rage-filled angst powered by Iris from the Goo Goo Dolls while the universe bows to his will and all barricades fall mercilessly by the wayside as he pursues his hellbent mission of payback until all fall before his indomitable ability to exist within the confines of run-on sentences and overly long stories of separation-anxiety rage-filled angst powered by Iris from the Goo Goo Dolls.

So!  With no further “a-goo,” here’s my beef with Santa, and why I’ve placed him on the naughty list, because literally Not One of these were granted to me: Capital N, Capital O.

I don’t get mad.  I’m fixin’ to get all even.

 

Your big fat red fanny is MINE, Santa

Bad Santa - Film | Park Circus

Here’s my beef with the Big Man.  I asked for a few small things, just a few.  Not too much to ask, just a little something here and there to make my day a bit brighter and for me to conquer the entire universe.  And did Santa deliver?  No, not even a little bit.

Here’s my list from last year – not too much to ask – followed by a bit of gratuitous moaning and griping by me:

1. A push pin. You see, there are spiders here, and I just found one in my studio while I was recording. A push pin will allow me to carry around some measure of defense in order to shield myself from this creeping threat.  Oh and also not shriek like a hyena when I see one.  My customers are starting to complain about unexpected wildlife noises in their recordings.  So a push pin would be great: I have impeccable aim, and I won the International Spider-Skewering contest in Mumbai seven years in a row.  It is there that I am known as “Master Spider-Skewerer The Great”, which in Mumbai means “little wailing sissy hyena boy.”  Don’t judge me.

So!  I ask you: did Santa bring me a single freaking push-pin?  NO.  Not one.  I had to buy my own, thank you indeed, you big Jolly Elf, for making me expend my hard-earned dollars on my own push-pins.  Thanks a lot Santa.  Word to the Weihnachtsmann: I’m comin’ for you.

2. Further soundproofing for my studio to screen out the noise of my screaming children outside (and also to screen out the hyena noises inside).

Are my children still screaming?  Can I still hear them?  Do I wish the hyenas would get them?  Yes to all three of them.  But they remain loud and unmaimed.  Thanks for nothing, “Saint” Nick.

3. Alternatively, you may provide me replacement children, and no further soundproofing will be needed.

Am I stuck with the same old kids that make far too much noise for my voiceover taste?  Yes.  Yes indeed I am.  ‘Preciate it, Pelznickel.

4. Triple-platinum memberships on all of the P2P’s which will enable me to receive all audition notices 3 weeks prior to all other recipients. You know, to ensure fairness.

It grieves me to report that I am still only on the $1400/year tier with Voice123, and only the lowly premier memberships on the other P2P’s.  Was I awarded any such triple-platinum memberships anywhere?  “Ehhh…no”, as the minions would say.  Nice work, Nick.

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5. Magic dust to sprinkle across the video production world, that would cause all heads and ears to turn their ears towards Seattle and hearken unto my voiceover prowess.

Well, let’s see.  Is everyone hearkening unto me?  Again, no.  Sweet job, Swiety Mikolaj.  The only cool thing resulting from this is that I was able to use the word “hearken” in a sentence.  Harrummph.

6. Said magic dust should also come in the flavor of strawberry and be sprinklable over ice cream.

See above.  FAIL, Fat Elf, FAIL.

7. Said magic dust should also come with the ability to be sprinkled over my car and turn it into a Lamborghini, as well as my food into lobster.

See above AGAIN!  Disappointing massively, Ded Moroz.

8. A magic dust container that sparkles. Oh and also plays Bing Crosby.

I have no words. And also I have no magic dust container that sparkles.

9. Die Hard on an endless loop (because it’s a Christmas movie).

See # 2 and 3 above.  Clearly I have children, so clearly I have no time to do things for myself like watch Die Hard.  And clearly, since I have children, I have only time to diehard.  So, once again, pat on your back, Papai Noel.

10. Un-abducted Casting Agents 

You’ll have to read the blog to understand what I mean by this one.  But ultimately, though there have been no confirmed reports of agent abductions, I’m quite certain that at least one happened.  And if it hasn’t, then I’ll prepare my abduction plans to ensure that this blog remains 100% truthful.  It’s called reality distortion, and I like it.  Beautifully done, Babbo Natale.

 

You got the wrong Santa

Gruß vom Krampus: Greetings from the Krampus: Happy Christmas? by Artist unknown

"Gruß vom Krampus: Greetings from the Krampus: Happy Christmas? by Artist unknown" by dullhunk is licensed under CC BY 2.0

 

It appears that Krampus was actually the one that was listening last year, and someone somewhere was asking for widespread unrest, global disease and plague, murder hornets and unmitigated misery, and that was the list that was made and checked twice.

So!  There you have it.  I think it’s clear that up there in the North Pole they’re a couple cans short of a six pack, and not necessarily running on all cylinders.  Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.  All foam, no beer.  I think we’ve discovered who was naughty or nice.  I think you understand me now when I say that it’s time to replace the big man with someone who WILL give me what I want at least once a year, with shiny ribbons to boot.

It is however, scientifically possible that Santa, being invariably described as overweight, and carrying a payload of roughly 321,300 tons for the roughly 2 billion children in the world, needing to travel at 650 miles per second and absorbing 14.3 quintillion joules of energy while he is subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity as he is pinned to the back of his sleigh...is dead now.

Therefore, I see no reason to be good next year.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled and Entitled Voiceover Guy

 

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NOTE: This blog is purely for commentary / educational / entertainment purposes.  I make no money from these blogs; though I do not refuse large cash gifts if it means I can pretend I'm a church.

 

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20 thoughts on “I put Santa on the Naughty List”

  1. Yeah, he should totally stop complaining about delivering all those presents under such a tight deadline… Good grief, can anyone be so freakin’ selfish not to give you what you want everyday of the year?!! It’s MADNESS I tell you! Hahaha.

    1. And I you! Merry Fritzmas indeed! I’m sure that last year’s list couldn’t have foreseen this year’s results, so I’ll pay it a bit of grace and let these 10 slide. Look for a more reasonable list as we get closer to Doomsday, er – I mean…the end of 2020.

  2. An amazing reference to “Falling Down.” ((Another not Christmas/Christmas-es movie!) – (Meaning the nod to the internalized argument settling baseball bat needed at many family holiday dinners- at least at my house!))
    May Krampus live on the blackened hearts of so many disappointed children, who become Executive Producers for “B” role movies about said Holiday villain.
    Thanks for the chuckle!

  3. Aaaah, Santa. Every parent’s nemesis, every two-year-old’s nightmare, and yet somehow every 5-year-old’s shiniest most wonderful favourite friend.

    SIGH.

    He is definitely dead, I agree. He passed out when he hit the Aussie summer heat one year and fell smack bang into a waterhole in the Kimberley… no five year old tourists are allowed there anymore…

    1. I remember reading about that in the news! A horrible end. And yet, somehow, framed in the light of having been denied virtually my entire Voiceover Christmas list from this past year, I’m obliged to wish him a fond “take care now, bub-bye then.”

  4. Really appreciate the honesty. Most folks aren’t this open with their wishes to Santa. I do wonder if there was potentially an issue with the delivery method; maybe wrong keyword.

    Very fun post from what appears to be a very active and interesting brain. Appreciate the openness, fun and information you provide!

  5. As a Dutch guy, Santa Claus was always weird for me.
    We have Sinterklaas, which is the basis of Santa. Since the world has gotten smaller because of television and internet, our Christmas season now also includes Santa Claus, meaning we now have visits from 2 different old guys, who break and enter through your chimney and leave presents, in the same month.

    Sinterklaas has a slimmer waist, and rides a horse, but that’s about how different it gets…

    1. I’d like to have them switch rides for a while and see how they do. Perhaps Santa Claus would lose some weight, and Sinterklaas may develop a penchant for reindeer. Either way, both should be prosecuted for breaking and entering…and then pardoned for lavish gifts. Except for this year of course.

  6. Who knew there were so many words for Satan, er, I mean, Santa? Also, gotta say, just lovin’ all that alliteration you got goin’ on there, Josh! You know, our local VO workout Meetup has an upcoming holiday Zoom next month, during which we’ll be reading a holiday-themed selection of our choice. Permission to read this blog? It would give me great practice in the pronunciation of those above-mentioned, so-many-words for Sat….I mean, Santa!

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