The Intrepid Tale of a Voiceover Artist iPhone-Addict Guy

Don’t judge me.

iPhone X

"iPhone X" by TheBetterDay is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

 

Shut up and take my Money

iPhoneholic

Image by Santiago Vecino

 

So it’s iPhone season again.  And despite the fact that they’re made in China – which I’m told have recently spawned some kind of supervirus or something…? I’m hearing a rumor here and there so please let me know if you’ve heard anything about it – I simply must have the new iPhone every year.  I'm an Apple-Loving Voiceover Artist...aka Miss “Alva” if you’re nasty.  I crave the new iPhone like crack Cocaine, which is a statement that should make you curious about my proclivities.

I do not want the new supervirus.  I want the new iPhone.  And I don’t mean any cheap second-gen prior-to-this-one version.  No, no.  No, I must have the latest and greatest.  I don’t know what this says about me, but when I ask Siri (NSFW) what she’s wearing, and she says, “Silicon, memory, and the courage of my convictions”, then say no more.  Shut up and take my money, because baby, you had me at silicon.

Ah, Silicon Valley.  You who continue to provide me rectangular electronic enslavement each year around the beginning of fall, and then you have that British guy produce those videos where everything is Just So Shiny; he could soothingly whisper "Joshua, eat mangled animal carcass", and I would do it.

And so?  Each fall I become a drunken swooner, allured by the Apple iPhone's glimmering siren call.  It’s your fault, Fruit Company, that we have no money for food or heat in October, and you know it.  Each year I tell my wife this will be the last upgrade, and each year she gets to burst out in wild laughter, which I take to mean that she utterly believes me.

But in truth, aside from being able to manage my business on the go, the iPhone has saved me from many a danger.  Here are a few examples, and I would not be alive today were it not for a little-known company’s little-known invention straight out of Cupertino:

  • I’ve oft times needed a level in order to install something, and my iPhone has an app with a Level in it! So I was able to install something completely level by using my iPhone, calling a skilled contractor, and paying them to install it correctly since I am incapable of installing things and using levels.
  • I’ve needed a compass, and had my iPhone all along, so I was able to text Santa and see which direction I was pointing.
  • I’ve experienced actual, real-life emergencies (my child’s head cracked open and gushing blood, the dog impaled on a weathervane; someone drank all the beer, the Seahawks game started late) where I took care of handling it on-the-go with my trusty iPhone.
  • I’ve lost my socks and been able to call Information: they graciously informed me that they were behind the couch.
  • And best of all, if I can’t find that Apple TV remote which is intentionally designed to be the size of an atom, I can control my TV with my iPhone rather than get up and search for it.  Sidebar: I am lazy.

Surely, Jesus Himself would have owned an iPhone when he was here, had Steve Jobs been around then.  I cannot confirm or deny if Steve Jobs went to Heaven, but I know all of my previous iPhones are there.

 

Selfie?  Is that a new French poodle?

Selfie

"Selfie" by kevin dooley is licensed under CC BY 2.0

 

Yes, I could use my iPhone for selfies (I do).  I could use it for maintaining my calendar (I do).  I could actually use it for making phone calls even.  *insert incredulous laughter here*  Ultimately, however, I’m all about the data.  It’s about checking my business accounts at all times, making sure I keep my finger on the pulse of my business on-the-go, which is of paramount consequence to me, to the point where I use words like “paramount” and “consequence” together in a single sentence for maximum impact.

So what can a business owner do with their iPhone?  No, no…besides Angry Birds I mean, which is essential for business.  What makes the iPhone so helpful for running a business?  I’m honestly glad you’ve asked.  Here’s a list that is in no way meant to be conclusive, absolute, definitive or helpful in any way:

  • Creating voice memos on the go to remind you of things to do, such as when you are forty miles away from your home and you realize that you forgot to close the garage door after you left. Also for reminding yourself to buy more beer.
  • Responding to clients right away when they need something urgently, which is almost never. Hang on, a zillion emails just came in and all my phones are ringing.
  • Playing loud music to drown out the constant din of your small children.
  • Turning the loud music down in order to respond to your wife who asks you if you remember that you have small children.  Asking Siri to confirm that you do.
  • Contact tracing the hotspots of aforementioned superviruses.
  • Programming geofence-based reminders to take care of business once I return home through the garage door.  Which is still open.
  • Checking calendar when my agent calls and asks me if I’m available, which allows me to pull a Peter Dickson, say “one moment”, and then flick slowly through my calendar, pretending I’m in demand. "Pathetic, I know, but I can’t help myself."

It’s a phone, but it’s so much more.  It’s your life in your hands.  And it’s meant to enable productivity.  When I see people using their smartphone and touting that "it takes great selfies”, I have to laugh at the narcissism and pity the naiveté.  It’s so much more, and it’s critical for your business so that you can play Fortnite during meetings in which you wish the speaker’s head would explode so that they could adjourn until janitorial services arrive.

 

Give me Liberty, or give me Upgrades! (But may I have both please?)

iphonecrazed

So, here we go again.  It’s the fall, and I’ve already secured my wife’s shiny new iPhone 12 Pro for her; I’ll order mine next, this Friday November 6th. So if you email me on the 6th, please note that my email or text replies may be laden with over-ecstatic gibberish and hyperactive drivel, because there will be nothing else that I’m focused on at the moment.  I ask you to bear with me, and then I ask that you please explain how you got my number.

I will always buy the new iPhone.  Not because our family doesn’t require shelter or groceries – we do – but I think a good hard lesson of the hard knocks of life, and going without, is indispensable.  I am capable of monitoring my children’s sunken cheeks for signs of malnourishment, and at the point where we’ll need to take shelter at the onset of a thunderstorm, I’ll simply call ahead on my BEAUTIFUL EXPENSIVE SHINY NEW MUST-HAVE IPHONE to determine that there are enough bunks: five for the emaciated four of us: one for my iPhone.  There's plenty of space on the floor next to it for tardy homeless folk.

Will you be more successful in voiceovers if you have an iPhone instead of an Android?  Perhaps. (The real answer is ‘yes’ if you want to be cool like a celebrity).  Will you prosper more if you have a smartphone as opposed to not having a smartphone?  Most definitely.  It’s hard for me to promise anything anymore, really, except for the fact that at the end of this blog you are now much older.

In truth, I love my iPhone.  Romantic love.  It’s shiny.  It takes great selfies, yes.  But it’s for so much more than that.  Buying it for selfies implies that I find my appearance becoming enough to grace a camera screen, which is of course not true, which is of course why I’m in the vocation I’m in.  It spares you the horror of seeing that rectangular thing with the Apple logo glued to my face, its mechanical tail wrapped around my neck and its spiny legs gripping my face in its warm addictive embrace.  Someone call Ripley, because I think an Apple is going to burst out of my chest soon.  Tell her she can come in through the garage.

Sincerely,

Alva

 

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NOTE: This blog is purely for commentary / educational / entertainment purposes.  I make no money from these blogs; though I do not refuse large cash gifts if it means I can pretend I'm a church.

 

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Talent for hire
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9 thoughts on “The Intrepid Tale of a Voiceover Artist iPhone-Addict Guy”

  1. Hysterical – and true (except for the part of you being lazy)! And I love the graphic of the alien-face-sucking phone. 😂

    My husband has been the holdout in our family for the past 10 years, and is FINALLY dumping his Galaxy for an iPhone (now we can let him back in the house). 😳😄.

    Another great blog, Josh!!!

  2. Sigh. You apple people. That horrible user-unfriendly interface and the… shinyness.

    My phone is a Google Pixel 2, and I will happily use it until it malfunctions. Before this, I had a Samsung Galaxy s4 for over four years, until it malfunctioned.

    However, I do have an iPad mini, because I’m old and decaying and I needed a bigger screen to read scripts off, and apparently, they are the best of the tablet-variety-things. Says my partner. The apple lover. But I believe him. Mostly.

  3. LOL, fruit company! Love it!

    Android user myself and I honestly prefer it. A lot of stuff is hidden away on the iphone, especially extra options that I can’t open, like a drawer with an invisible handle. I like the handles visible and easy to find, even if the screen is busier-lookin’.

    I will say this though, the fruit company does have great design and performance and I hope you enjoy the newest of the new while searching the app store that deals with malnutrition for you, LOL.

    Sincerely,
    Android user,
    aka me,
    aka Marius

    PS, hope you enjoyed the song! 😀

      1. Lol, are we ever not. Strange idea that a fruit company causes malnutrition, hehe.

        Thanx! I really appreciate it! That one will always be special!

        I’d really like to draw you at some point, a little fan art.

        Have an awesome day! 😀

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