Ten Trusty Ways to Survive the Coronavirus as a Voice Talent
NOTE: Please practice social distancing and stand at least 6 feet away from this blog while reading it, or I'm spraying you with hand sanitizer.
It’s a mad, mad world out there. With toilet paper flying off the shelves, what’s one to do? It’s a crappy mess. (Get it?) Hysteria abounds. Fear and panic are widespread. Isolation and loneliness are rampant. Dogs and cats are living together. Tom Hanks has the virus and is once again stranded on an island with Wilson. What are we coming to???
In these troubling times of uncertainty and doubt (which means uncertainty), I present to you some tried and true methods for weathering the storm, and you can even do it without toilet paper and hand sanitizer!
I truly hope that this little bit of levity brightens your day.
Let’s do this. But first let me play a little background music.
Pass the Corona! (the other one)
Here we go! I throw the following virus-proof activities at you (Gesundheit!) to ward off any strain of any flu whatsoever, and keep you sane!
- Whisk yourself away from this maddening situation (and malls, airports, movie theaters, restaurants, streets, sidewalks, gatherings of 10 people or more, Earth), and record the following voiceover in true quarantine spirit in all 6500 spoken languages: “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” Bonus if you do it in ruby slippers.
- Perfect the art of the 20-second hand-washing technique. I predict that there will be contests on the cleanest hands, and that the winner will be awarded the Grand Prize of meeting Tony Shaloub's "Monk" in the year 2391, when he finally gives us the Monk-go-ahead that it's safe to elbow bump people once again.
- Got a mate? Stay indoors, reproduce, and in 9 months we’ll see a baby boom, and we’ll call them coronials. And just think! By the time we hit the year 2033, we’ll have Quaranteenagers!
- Show the world how you’re truly the best at triple-quarantining! Share pictures of yourself quarantined in a Hazmat suit, which is quarantined in your studio, which is quarantined in your home. Ain’t no virus gettin’ you in there, no sir! Extra points for those of you who are able to fit yourselves in a giant Ziploc bag.
- Times like these were precisely what the following movie series were made for:
- ALL NINE (OK, all six...OK OK all three) Star Wars
- Lord of the Rings
- Indiana Jones
- Lethal Weapon
- Harry Potter
- Jurassic Park
- John Wick
- The Alien Quadrilogy
- Back to the Future
- The Godfather
- John Wick
- Toy Story
- The Matrix (note: Reloaded and Revolutions are entirely optional, being that they are entirely punishing)
- Planet of the Apes (old)
- Planet of the Apes (new)
- I am Legend three times in a row (but turn the volume way down at night before the zombies hear you. Also prepare to strangle your dog.)
- John Wick (because, you know, the anger...)
- Make your own hand sanitizer. I suggest a strong combination of alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol. This way, the hand sanitizer is good at killing germs as well as providing a good ol’ time.
- Make your own masks out of napkins and coat hangers. Sell them at 800% markup (in the name of capitalism) to passersby who approach your Kool-aid stand. Sell Kool-aid as well, lest you receive a negative Yelp review for false advertising. Receive payment via money flung at you from a safe distance. Spray Windex on received monies with a cleaning fury that would rival Martha Stewart! Prison time optional.
- See who can watch the map-of-countries-affected on Cable TV News in real time, and see who points first to the most recent country to fall! Fun for the whole family!
- If you have kids and you’re working from home, practice the following phrase over and over again. “If they don’t resume school soon, I’m going to strangle you.” Muster your best demonic underworld voice when saying this, to ensure future obedience driven by raw fear.
- Download Duolingo. Learn every single foreign language you can. By the time this pandemic passes you by, you’ll be C-3PO, fluent in over six million forms of communication! Gold star for you if you wear chrome and your eyes light up!
Honorable Mention: Watch Tangled over and over again! Suddenly your quarantine doesn’t look so bad, eh? That poor girl was trapped inside for eight... teen... years... doing ventriloquy, candle-making, papier-mâché, adding a new painting to her gallery, and talking to a lizard. Good times.
Honorable Mention #2: Practice your best victory monologue while gripping a Corona beer fiercely, glaring and pointing at it, and telling it that it shall never win, moo-oo-ah-ah-ah!!!!
Seriously though, stay safe, healthy and well out there, my already-quarantined voiceover peeps. No, seriously. I hope this little bit of levity brightened your day in the midst of mass hysteria and rampant hoarding. But please do note that I have your toilet paper. And if you ever want to see it again, you must visit my Kool-aid stand and buy one of my homemade coat-hanger napkin masks. And, of course, some Kool-aid.
HEY. WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!
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- E-NCOURAGE: Go encourage someone else today with a single, simple sentence of affirmation. Tell them, “I like your earrings”, unless of course they are manly men, in which case you should compliment them on the size of their chainsaw.
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