...or…some other title that’s fitting
Because a Global Coronavirus Pandemic just wasn’t enough
We're in the thick of it now. A teacher missed her classroom so much that she knitted all of her students, which is another way of saying, "I went bonkers." Now, I don’t mean knitted them together against their wills, mind you, or she’d be in the Big House, which I’m told is NOT where you want to be during a pandemic. But isn’t that sweet? It just goes to show you how connected we really long to be with each other. It’s beautiful, in a creepy, imprisoning sort of way. Not to brag, but I’ve been an expert at avoiding people since well before the pandemic started, so maybe the Big House will suit me. I’ll let you know what felony I’ve settled on. If there are no further blogs after this one, you’ll know I was successful.
In other news, it’s come to my attention that John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Seriously though, those little nuggets aside, I’ve been thinking a lot about coronavirus lately, because we’re in the middle of planning for a move, and there is a lot on my mind. Is this the best time. Will we be moving into a coronavirus-infected home. Why do these questions end in periods.
It’s been such a time of hysteria. We’ve been cleaning a lot lately in preparing for our move, and it’s amazing how much I find myself touching my face to wipe off sweat. It’s crazy, really. After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face, I’m going to be annoyed. So I’ve chosen a full-body mask that should be here by 2022. It’s nice because it doubles as a mask (protection from the virus) AND a blanket, which is protection from being cold. Now if it could only protect me from receiving bills from creditors. I’d buy all the shares of that stock.
It’s a crazy time. We now have a chance to save the world by laying around and watching TV. Let’s not screw this one up. We need to hold together. Knit us together, oh Knitter Teacher. Because in the midst of all of this, something greater is bearing down on us. Do you hear it? There’s a faint buzz of an approaching danger. Its about 1.5” long in some cases.
You know what I’m talking about. The Murder Hornet.
Buzz Buzz Sting Sting
I don’t think we really had enough to worry about with a global pandemic that has killed nearly 300,000 people. Thanks, Nature. Glad you spiced things up a bit by throwing in Murder Hornets, which apparently have a penchant for decapitation. Because of that I would assume that they originated from within the ranks of ISIS, but alas, Vespa mandarinia come from Asia, ranging from Japan and Russian down to Thailand and Myanmar. They’re pesky little creatures, and I think that while they obviously prefer honeybees, they would develop a taste for Joshua Alexander’s succulent flesh in no time flat, I’m sure.
So I wasn’t going outside before, and I’m not going outside now. Because they’re out there. They’re watching. And waiting. And you’re not even safe in the Big House. *Scratches “Do Felony” off to-do list for now.*
So if we’re not safe from pandemics, and we’re not safe from Murder Hornets, then what can we do?
What’s to be done?
I think I just might have the answer.
Adapt and Overcome. And drink up.
When life gives you Murder Hornets, you make Murder Hornet Lemonade. It’s true. You always have to take the evil, the frustration, the sadness, the trauma, the difficulty, the negative, and turn it on its head. That’s really how life works, right? I also think that no one has in fact to date made Murder Hornet Lemonade, which is entirely the purpose of this blog: to provide you a delicious recipe for overcoming. With that, let’s begin.
Step 1: Find and retrieve 7200 Murder Hornets and catch them. Somehow.
Step 2: Obtain a collection device of some kind. Note: This should have been Step 1.
Step 3: Lather yourself with a sting-prevention material of your choosing, such as an ointment, a jelly, or the former members of The Police who didn’t like him and are expendable.
Step 4: Ensure that your voiceover booth is fully sealed should the Murder Hornets get loose and try to find you in there. You should be safe in there until you run out of oxygen, at which point you will need to reorganize all of these Steps, with the new Step 1 being “Pray unceasingly.”
Step 5: Once all Murder Hornets have been caught in your Collection Device, pronounce incantations and spells over them which contain the phrase “Expecto patronum.” This will of course have no bearing on the Murder Hornets’ behavior, but will of course drive prepubescent Harry Potter-loving girls absolutely wild with a hornet-like fervor. Collect them as well before they sting you too.
Step 6: Insert Collection Device into Even Larger Collection Device Holder That Squishes, so that Even Larger Collection Device Holder That Squishes does a squishy operation that, well, squishes said Murder Hornets into a fine putty.
Step 7: Retrieve the extracted juices of the squished Murder Hornets from the Murder Hornet Juice Catching Reservoir, which goes into the Murder Hornet Juice Catching Reservoir Dispenser Thingy.
Step 8: Add a dash of salt, a pinch of lime and five gallons of Tang to season.
Step 9: Drink.
Step 10: Perish, because Murder Hornets, as everyone knows, are highly toxic.
Step 11 (should you survive Step 10): Rinse and repeat until all Murder Hornets have been turned into Murder Hornet Lemonade.
Bonus Step 12: Return to the production of your voiceovers, and stop dilly-dallying.
Bonus Step 13: Look up the meaning of dilly-dallying.
What? What’s that you say? Oh, you’re welcome – my pleasure. Of course! You’re very welcome. What’s that? No, no, I don’t require any remuneration. It’s my good pleasure to assist you with your survival! I’ll be back with tips on surviving Assassination Sharks, Slay Sheep, Kill Frogs, Slaughter Beetles and Eradication Hummingbirds in the next issue.
Credit to Lisa Cassels for this picture!
HEY. WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!
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