I'm telling! (Get it?)
I make the Rules
Remember your childhood? Life was fresh and new. The smell of green grass was in the air. Your bicycle had those playing cards strapped to the seatstays or fork to make it sound like a motor when it hit the spokes, while your little legs pumped up and down tirelessly before you hit that bike launch and ran screaming to Mom for an ambulance. Cue “These are the days of our lives” by Queen.
Remember those days? I sure don’t, since my body sometimes feels like I somewhere-along-the-line turned 79,326 years old, and I’ve lost nearly all my memory. What was I talking about? *thinks to self* Oh yeah, memories! I think my son’s constant requests for Pixar movies and snacks have driven all else from my mind. The other day I even forgot my own name while introducing myself to someone. So we both agreed that I should just be referred to as “Admiral.”
But one thing I do recall from youth, that always sticks out in my mind, is the sense of wanting no one to ever tell me what to do. Not my mom, not my dad, and certainly not my two brothers. “You don’t tell me what to do” became a cherished refrain any time another’s wishes were dare imposed upon the highly personal and all-important agenda of this Seven-Year-Old. In all my pint-sized gumption and independence, you didn’t tell me what to do, or the consequences would be Armageddon-like, as I summoned up wrath the likes of which Lilliputians everywhere had hitherto never witnessed. You know what I mean. I’m talking about a neighborhood TP’ing. Either that or I was going to steal your lawn gnome and frame the kid down the street (the previous person who dared to tell me what to do). That way a giant battle would ensue, the survivor would be subjugated to me, I would be left alone to my own authoritarian devices and call my own shots, which would typically at that time include asking mom what “subjugated” means.
I miss Seven. But let's face it. We all like being told what to do about as much as being bound hand and feet and damned for all eternity to a cold dark cell, and forced to listen to Michael Bolton whilst a woodpecker slowly pecks a hole through our head. We're all the same in that way, unless we happened to be bound with a sound-dampening helmet on.
You don’t tell me. I tell YOU. I’m not crying. YOU’RE crying.
So perhaps it’s fitting, and no surprise, that I became a Voice Talent. After all, every day I enjoy the prestige and privilege of telling people what to do! It’s simply the best. I’m contracted to tell people what to do. In fact – get this – I’m even PAID to tell people what to do!!! Haha! I am not even kidding! PAID to boss people around!!! Can life get better? I submit that it cannot.
A propos, no? The little shaver who didn’t want to be bossed around grew up and become a boss-you-around kinda guy. I guess in psychology circles it would make absolute sense: be repressed = repress others, and perhaps steal their lawn gnome. At least that’s what my therapist says. I’m now paid to motivate, encourage, compel, instruct, direct, lead, guide and persuade you into doing what my clients want you to do.
Read the next few words carefully. See? I told you to read these, and you did. #victoryismine
Ultimately, that’s what we’re all here to do as voice talent. The question is, can we summon up all that fiery Munchkin passion and channel it through our now-adult selves to still effectively tell people what to do?
I think we can, because many people need to be told what to do, such as:
- Moses. God told Moses to go free his people. Moses did it.
- God. Moses told God to find someone else to do it. So God did. Sidebar: This one also falls into the “people who do NOT like being told what to do” category since God nearly annihilated Moses as a consequence
- The obedient wife-to-be from Coming to America (“Whatever kind of music you like…”)
- All men everywhere, especially as it concerns asking for directions
- All children everywhere
Then, there are the creatures who most certainly do NOT like being told what to do. These are the creatures that we must win over, and it is our calling to do so. Here are some examples:
- Other cats
- Every cat ever, since the dawn of time
- All men everywhere
- All children everywhere, including, especially, my four-year-old. Someday I will show you a detailed chart on the ratio of yesses to no’s received in a single day, which should make you hot with Biblical rage as it does us.
- Me, when my wife tells me not to order Transformers and subsequently blame the acquisition on the “necessary education of our son in the ways of Hasbro.” This one is an exception, as if I do not purchase Transformers I will surely die. Also KFC.
- Sinead O’Conner, because, girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do. (Well I’m a fool.)
- A certain president…but in the interest of not openly defaming anyone, I will not name names. However if your guess includes a name that rhymes with Schlonald Schlump, I won’t stop you.
Finally, there are the people who just love to tell us what to do. It’s their irritating calling. These are the people we should jettison into outer space:
- Aerobics Instructors
- Women who might become Mothers
- Girls who might become Women
- Men who want to jettison Mothers, Mothers-in-Law, Stepmothers, Women and Girls
- Drill Sergeants
- Mrs. Patmore from Downton Abbey
- Monica from Friends
- Jesus (but since He’s the Son of God, he gets a bye. Also because he can obviously still survive in space.)
- Attorneys. Heck, even if they don’t, let’s launch ‘em anyway.
Yet again, I have the Solution for you
I am therefore pleased to offer you a seven-course workshop series entitled “Now You - yes, YOU! - CAN Effectively Tell People What To Do: The Highly Successful, World-Renowned, Universally-Acclaimed, Multi-Award-Winning Instruction Guide To Complete Voiceover Dominance of Cats, Four-Year-Olds, Humans, Sinead O’Conner, and Presidents Whose Names Rhyme With Schlonald Schlump, complete with ridiculously long Book Subtitle such as THIS.” I take all major forms of credit cards and I.O.U.’s.
This is the offer of a lifetime. Don’t miss this! I am not kidding. This. Will. Transform. Your. Voiceover. Career. And. Make. You. Read. One. Word. Sentences. It’s something that so many famous people have benefited from already that I can’t name a single one.
I am SO confident in my ability to transform your ability into that of a Bossy Voiceover Superstar (BVS), that I offer a full money-back satisfaction guarantee if you find yourself in any way unsuccessful. If you do happen to find yourself unsuccessful, all you have to do is request your refund within three seconds of purchase. After that, I will NOT honor any refund requests, and YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GIVE YOU ONE!!!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go ride my bike.
The Grown-Up Voiceover Guy
HEY. WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!
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